I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
