im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
