He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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