he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
