end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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