She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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