News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
