i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
