I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
