Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
