I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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