She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
