Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
