A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
