Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You made out with two different species that night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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