Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
