hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
