I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
