I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
