I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
