glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
