My liver just broke up with me...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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