Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
