the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i out mim tonsoeep
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