Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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