I'm gonna have a badass scar
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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