I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
