I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
