I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Michael Bay diarrhea
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need to align my fucking chakras
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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