All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
