im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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