Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
