True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
