There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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