You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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