have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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