my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
