You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
