I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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