Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
