you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just found puke in my bra..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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