Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
