i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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