my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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