I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
