I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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