dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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