Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
