I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
