He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
